Highway to Hell Part 3: Inside the relationship… should I stay or should I go?

So now that we understand what NPD and narcissistic abuse is, what do we do about it? Well, that depends. There are still some questions to answer before deciding what to do. First, what kind of relationship do you have with that individual? What is the frequency and severity of abuse or neglect? Are there children involved in the situation? If you needed to go no contact, what would that look like? Do you have a plan for that? These are all important questions to ask yourself before you make a decision. But, there are situations where leaving is absolutely necessary. Let’s look at those first.

If there are children involved who are experiencing abuse and/or neglect, it is imperative that you as the other legal guardian or parent remove them from that abusive and/or neglectful situation immediately. If you are being abused and/or neglected in front of children, that is also a situation where you need to remove the children and yourself immediately. If you are being abused, neglected, and/or controlled to the point where you are not allowed to go anywhere, have a job if you need or want one, have access to money as needed, etc., then this too is a situation where you leaving and having no contact may be highly beneficial. Not everyone in this type of situation will leave. Not everyone in this type of situation will recognize the abuse or neglect. It is important to note that the longer the previous situations of abuse and neglect are allowed to go on, the harder it can be to leave, and the more dangerous those situations can become. If you know someone who is experiencing any of these situations, it is important to offer support, encouragement, and, most importantly, assistance to leave. If you have reason to believe a child, elderly person, or disabled person is being abused or neglected you need to call your state Child Protective Services or Adult Protective Services, both of which are a quick internet search. While this is never a pleasant thing to do, sometimes it is necessary when abused or neglected individuals can’t or won’t leave the abusive situation.

As for individuals who are not elderly, disabled, or children, abuse is abuse. Neglect is neglect. There is no getting around the black-and-white of those two words. Dictionary.cambridge.org defines abuse, as related to the topic of this blog, as “cruel, violent, or unfair treatment of someone.” In the last blog I wrote about the types of abuse and manipulation that can occur within a relationship where one individual is being abused by someone with narcissistic traits and tendencies that are toxic. Manipulation would be the “unfair” part of the definition of abuse. These various abuses and manipulations can create an environment in the relationship that makes leaving that relationship very challenging if not impossible.

For example, if your partner will not allow you to “touch” the finances, you are then unable to save any money to use when you leave. If your partner will not allow you to have a job then there may be no money to use to leave. If your partner has someone “watching” what you do all day, then leaving may be impossible. You get the idea. When abuse and manipulation look this bad, leaving is all the more difficult.

If you feel there is no abuse, but manipulation, gas lighting, and more, and you do not want to leave then creating and implementing boundaries may be your best bet. Be aware that, depending on the severity of the NPD behaviors, boundaries may or may not work. If you choose to stay you must be prepared for the worst, but there is nothing wrong with hoping for the best.

Going no-contact is something you will read about on various forums about narcissistic abuse. What is no-contact? It is absolutely no contact with the abusive individual whatsoever. No in-person meetings. No phone calls. No quick visits. No emails. No texts. This is used often with clients I have worked with. Some clients choose to use boundaries. Implementing no-contact looks very different for each situation. If the abuser tends to follow you, stalk you, etc., you may have to make reports of harassment or more. Remember the goal is safety. If you have gone no-contact and are still being harassed or followed or something similar, it is very important you take the necessary steps to keep yourself safe. I am not a lawyer or law enforcement officer, so I strongly encourage anyone in that situation to talk to one and learn what they can do to stay safe.

Having a plan is absolutely crucial. Not only will it keep you on track for however you choose to proceed with the relationship, but it may keep you safe as well. Do you have somewhere to stay? Do you have a job? Do you have a job lined up? Do you need to change your cell phone number, email address, etc.? Are there people in your life you can trust? Who is in your support circle? Knowing what you’re going to do and how you’re going to do it is of the utmost importance. So always have a plan.

As you are reading, Narcissistic abuse has many facets, can look very different, and affects different individuals on different levels. Some situations are very severe and require a no-contact scenario. Others may be mild enough to tolerate by implementing various healthy and appropriate boundaries. As stated earlier, you must decide which situation you are in and then choose how to respond. Again, if there are children, elderly individuals, or disabled persons being abused or neglected you must call your state’s Child or Adult Protective Services. It is not a fun thing to do, but it is required to help those who cannot or will not help themselves.