The Blame Game: why lying to others and ourselves holds us back from our goals

               Blame. We all use it. We all do it. It’s part of the human condition and is highly related to fear and lying. A child accidentally breaks mom’s favorite vase. When mom asks who did it, all her children deny breaking the beloved vase. Why not just tell the truth? Most likely the child is afraid of getting into trouble with mom. So lying is the best way to not be in trouble. Blaming someone else for the broken vase makes the child feel free of that fear. This is just one example. There are a multitude of reasons people blame others for their own choices and mistakes through the process of lying.

               What have you lied about in your life? Who have you lied to? A parent? A boss? Someone close to you? What about lies you have told yourself? Lying to others is damaging, but lying to yourself can create a multitude of problems and even mental health issues.

What about the lies we tell ourselves? Why do we do it? The easiest and most basic answer is: We want to feel good about ourselves. That could mean justifying a poor choice we have made. It could mean telling ourselves we are healthy when we are not. It could mean convincing ourselves we fit into a certain group when we do not. We know deep down the lies we tell ourselves are not true, so why keep doing it? Because truth is hard to hear and admit to at times. It can make us feel negative emotions we do not want to deal with.

               But, let me put a new perspective on this. How do we learn? I am not talking about studying and school. How do we learn how to act, feel, think, manage ourselves, and be around others? Experience. Opportunity. Both experience and opportunity present challenges. It is through these challenges that we will screw up. We will make the wrong decisions. We will not be perfect… because we are not. How do you know you are right if you have not allowed yourself the opportunity to be and the experience of being wrong. It is okay to be wrong. The issue is when we have done something wrong, felt a negative feeling, etc. and do not learn from those things.

               Here’s an example: You want to learn a new instrument. I am going to use the guitar because I play guitar and know it is challenging. You buy a guitar and a book to help beginners, like you, learn. As you work through the book you just are not hearing what you think you should be hearing. So now you have a choice: Decide what you are hearing is actually correct and everyone else is wrong (blame) OR work to figure out what you are doing wrong that is producing this inaccurate sound. The former is so, so easy to do. However, you’re learning nothing by doing that. Instead consider the latter where you work on your technique and eventually produce the correct sound. Ask yourself which of these is the more positive and beneficial choice.

               I encourage every one reading this to challenge themselves in order to learn about themselves and, subsequently, better themselves. If you continue to lie to yourself, you will not improve those things that need improving. There is nothing beneficial about lying to others and there is nothing beneficial about lying to yourself.

Always remember that therapy is a great place to process those reasons for lying! Ending the lies we tell ourselves is a great first step towards ending our own blame game.