Boundaries

We hear this word quite often these days. What do you think of when you hear or read the word “boundaries”? In mental health, boundaries refers to what an individual will or will not accept in any given relationship from the other person or persons, or from himself or herself. Along with the balance of everything else in the world, there are good and bad boundaries. Understanding the difference and how to create and implement boundaries is essential to managing all relationships in life... including the one with yourself.

Good and bad boundaries are subjective to some degree and highly dependent upon the type of relationship the individual creating the boundaries wants to have. For example, if you have a friendship that has lasted a very long time, you may be inclined to hold onto it come hell or high water. Another example would be an old school acquaintance that you just reconnected with. These are two very different types of relationships. Chances are you tell your long-time friend more information about yourself than the old school acquaintance.

What if the old school acquaintance starts calling you every day and “politely” begins demanding that you hang out more? What if they start prying into your personal life to a degree you are not comfortable with? What if you are having a difficult time telling them no or it's none of their business? This is where learning boundaries is crucial.

A good way to start learning about boundaries is to read about them, but also to go to that long-time trusted friend and ask them how they view your boundaries. Often it is the outside person who is more objective and honest with us about our behaviors than we are with ourselves. In the scenario of the old school acquaintance, a good boundary may be limiting your availability to chit chat or hang out. This does not need to be done in a mean or passive aggressive way. You could simply let them know that your free time is limited. As well, you may say something along the lines of “I don't feel comfortable talking about that aspect of my life right now.”

While these examples are somewhat simple, we can all admit that when it comes to family, boundaries become more complex and challenging. A daughter wanting to keep her relationship with her mother, even though mom is emotionally abusive. A brother who cannot stand going to family reunions, but has a strong belief in family connections. A father who has become estranged from his child due to his ex-wife's influence; mom telling the child that dad is bad. These are all examples of how setting boundaries within a family context are emotionally and mentally draining, and challenging.

If you are wanting to stay in a relationship with someone who takes advantage of you, verbally abuses you, or gas lights you, please read about the Gray Rock Method. There are many different ways to use this method but it essentially helps you maintain the relationship while setting solid boundaries that help you not be as negatively affected as you otherwise would be.

Don’t forget: when the challenges of life (e.g. setting boundaries) becomes too much, therapy is a great way to work through it and make those positive, necessary changes!